Yesterday... Was a weird day.
I used to get what my Mom called "The Sundays" in high school. I would get really overwhelmed on Sunday, thinking about homework, life, deadlines, things coming up, decisions to make. It is the load to bare, when being a person who likes to bare a lot of loads. Over the years I have learned to try and see things in perspective, not see myself as the center of the universe, etc... You know... Healthy things you can only hope are learned since high school.
But this year, I experienced a new thing on January 1, 2013. I will call it a case of the yearsees.
Yup. The Yearsess. I even surprised myself with that one.
Yesterday I was in the biggest funk about the New Year. I literally complained... probably all day. It ended in an explosion of emotion, that went something like this...
Burley: Babe, why are you so down? Can I help you with anything?
Me: I am OVERWHELMED (sobbing starts). YEARS ARE FLYING BY... AM I MISSING MY PURPOSE?!?!?!? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?! (sobbing continues) I DIDNT EVEN MAKE AN ALBUM OF 2012!!!!! I TAKE SO MANY PICTURES AND I DONT HAVE ONE.. FREAKING... ALBUM!!!!! (sniffles).
That is actually a really kind reenactment, made for PG readers. It was bad, guys.
But this morning, I woke up to a new day, and new mercies, and here is my letter to those stupid yearsees.
Dear Yearsees of 2014 -
I bet you don't exist. You know why? Because that was silly of me to give in to you last year, and in 2013 I am the best I have ever been. I am more in love with life, more in love with the people around me, more raw, more me than I ever was.
I don't even lie to myself about the fact that my prayer life has slipped drastically and my 16 year old self would be praying for me right now, that I would once again find my salvation and get my butt back in church.
This year I promise to myself that I would live simpler. To give myself creative outlets, no matter how big or small. This year I promise to myself to live healthy and choose organic even if it's $1.69 more than non-organic.
I promise to give my 16 year old self a break and get my butt back in church. To see God around me. To love others more than myself. Embrace and re-teach the discipline I once worked hard to learn. Let Christ in. More love. More love.
This year I promise to purge. Every single room. Every old "memory box." Every untouched martini glass from our wedding circa 2010. Every spool of yarn that my (no longer existing) cats scratched up years ago and I couldn't throw away because I may need that color some day. I purge not to throw it out, but to clear my mind and heart and life of clutter. So that I can focus on all the things that I love, that help me flourish, that cause me put new wrinkles in my brain (Christmas wisdom from my Mom).
This year I promise to learn new things. I promise to myself that I will be challenged, even if it hurts a little.
This year I promise to prioritize the things that matter. To not take life for granted. To love my family. To REALLY pray for those in need. To break for the hurting and lost hearts around me.
This year, I promise to seek council. That's right y'all. I'm going to a therapist. I promise to take care of my mind and heart. To reflect on where I have been and where I am going.
This year I promise to daily let go of anger. Gosh. That is a big promise. But purge, I will.
Bottom line... This year I am cleaning house. Literally and figuratively. I am going to clean out the old and fiercely attack the new (no weapons... It just sounded really passionate, didn't it?).
See ya yearsees. I never liked you anyways.